My Life is... Out of my control

I love Oingo Boingo. Danny Elfman is a musical genius, in my humble opinion. Even if you don't know who he is, you know his work. From the music of Nightmare Before Christmas and The Simpsons to the super-hit Weird Science (that everyone knows!). But most people don't realize how inspiring or comforting some of his music can be.

I have been struggling for a while with trying to get pregnant (I will get back to Oingo Boingo eventually). There are so many people who try to "help" by giving me positive thoughts... "it will all work out for the best"... "I am sure that this time next year, you will have a happy healthy baby"... "I went through this too, and I came out on the other side. Now my daughter is 7"... and so on and so on. I appreciate all their kind words and thoughts. I love that people care enough about me to even attempt the sometimes great burden of being compassionate.

That being said, sometimes all you want is someone to say to you "that sucks." And leave it at that. It doesn't mean that you don't want them to care and be positive. Its just that sometimes, you want to be comforted with the idea that its okay to feel negative about the situation. By so many people telling you that you should be positive about the future, when all you want is to give up, is frustrating sometimes...

I feel like a failure for not being able to "look on the bright side."
I feel like my body has failed me for not being able to do one of the most basic things that God created women to do.
I feel like I am letting my husband down.
I feel like if other people have "been through this too" and "come out the other side" with children, that I should be able to as well.
I feel like sometimes people are afraid to tell me that they see my struggle with getting pregnant as it is - IT SUCKS.

So, back to Oingo Boingo. There is a song called Out Of Control that I have been listening to over and over on my ipod. Basically, this song puts how I have been feeling into words. I absolutely love that Danny Elfman basically says "I know you've heard it all before, so I am just going to sit with you and be with you while you are feeling spent and sorry for yourself." How cool is that?! The last line even says "I wish I could tell you that it's all a bad dream but I can't." Wow. I love that. There is comfort in someone being honest and flat out telling you "I don't know if things are going to get better. Life sucks sometimes. And I will be here for you."

In a way, it can be interpreted as God singing this song to His children (Okay, I realize that comparing God to Danny Elfman's music is a stretch, but hear me out). God and my husband are the only 2 people I feel that I don't have to be strong around. I can be honest and weak at their feet, or laid in their laps. And they will tell me "Things do suck right now. I can't tell you that it will change, but I can tell you that you aren't going to give up. I won't let you." What a gift to be able to have someone just be with you when you are in such a place. Or when you are lacking control.

I realize that this blog is WAY longer than any other I have posted, but it has been cathartic. Please do me a favor, and look up this song... listen to it. I hope you will be able to understand how I feel. If you can't listen, please just read the lyrics. I hope that it gives someone else comfort. YES, sometimes life sucks. And I wish I could tell you that it will change. But I can't. However, I will be here to tell you it's okay to feel that way, and I will be here if you need an emotional resting place. Me, God, & Danny Elfman are on your side ;-D



OUT OF CONTROL

Everyone says sooner or later you'll reach the end of the line.
When things get rough some think its easy to jump the ship.
You decide...

I say--don't throw it away
Theres about a million reasons why
Though you've heard them all before
And you're getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and I'll sing you this lullaby

Don't you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
You're out of control yeah--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream

Theres a cloud-rollin overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
Theres a black sun--casting a black shadow,
And I know you feel so all alone
You're out of control--and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go

Nothin for nothin--everythings right at your fingertips--for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say--don't throw it away, you've got too many things to say
If you throw away your life, if you throw away your life . . .
The world will never be the same

You're out of control--and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
You're out of control--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, it'll only be a dream

My Life is... Complicated

I am going through a spiritual conflict right now. One of my greatest desires in life is to be Christ-like whenever I can. This in principle, means putting others first... sacrificing & giving... and above all, loving with your entire existence.

Normally, I am very good at this. I will bend over backwards at any given time to help strangers and friends alike. But sometimes by doing that, it has been at my expense. The times I have extended my friendship over and over to women who were quick to judge or would not reciprocate my open heart. The times I have given gifts to brighten someones day, even though it means I can't afford to get that massage I have always wanted but never spoiled myself with. The times I have used every hour of vacation time, and every dollar of credit limit to visit my family, who has only been able to come to Oregon once since I have lived here.

So where do you draw the line? What should you do when supporting someone else might not be the healthiest thing for you? In the words of Joyce Meyer, "Loving others does not come easily or without personal sacrifice. Each time we choose to love someone, it will cost us something - time, money, or effort. That's why we are told to count the cost before we make the commitment." How true this is! Maybe I don't evaluate the cost before committing. Or maybe, I evaluate the cost, and it still seems a low price to pay for someone elses well-being. More often than not, I am willing to sacrifice all that I have. But there are times when I just dont know that I have anything left to sacrifice... no time, money or effort left to pay the "cost" of my commitment.

Is it selfish to choose your own needs over the needs of someone else? Yes - I believe it is. But can you be selfish and still Christ-like? I haven't figured that one out yet...