TTC sucks.

I am having a rough go at the whole "cheerful positive hopeful" TTC thing this month.

*** SIDENOTE *** For those of you lucky enough to not need to know what TTC means, let me enlighten you ~ TTC means Trying To Conceive. Cute name at first, but after 2 1/2 years of TTC, it is just plain annoying.

*** WARNING *** This blog post is just negative. And slightly graphic. And I am sorry. But its my blog and its helping me process so pthbtttttttttttttttttttttt (sticking tongue out).

Its been 2 1/2 years of Ivan & I trying to conceive a baby. In the scheme of things, its not that long of a time. But in the life of a couple TTC? Its ridiculously long and painful. Let me break it down in some other numbers to put it in perspective.

36 ~ monthly cycles, each ending with the overwhelming disappointment of getting my period.
36 ~ times I have to tearfully tell my husband that no, sorry, this month isn't "the" month.
36 ~ cycles of being extremely cautious of what I eat/drink "just in case," taking a prenatal, and planning your evenings around "doing it" during the right times.
4 ~ medical procedures to test various culprits of infertility.
1 ~ surgery to treat/test yet another culprit of infertility.
3 ~ months of fertility drugs that cause mood swings, hot flashes, cramps and swelling.
2 ~ "I really thought I was this time" devastating moments.
14 ~ friends/family/coworkers pregnant.
9 ~ months of being supportive and happy for each of those 14 friends/family/coworkers when most days, the depression and jealousy tears you up inside to even see them... then the guilt sets in for feeling jealous/depressed at all during their joyful time.
Countless ~ times I have heard "just relax and it will happen" or "try xyz - it worked for someone I know" or "maybe its not in God's plan for you to have kids."
Countless ~ tears and "suck it up and keep going" moments.
1 ~ diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."

Infertility causes something very strange to happen in "personal" conversations. People you barely know will ask you questions about sexual positions & frequency, lube, sperm count, cervical mucus, hormonal balances and countless other topics. I wouldn't normally talk about vaginal acidity with most people (doctor and best friends aside), so I kind of wonder what makes them think that all of a sudden they feel its okay. A word of advice to people who know someone ttc? Sometimes just being there and trying to be understanding is more than enough.

I apologize in advance to my friends who are pregnant or recently had kids. Its very hard for me. Baby showers make me want to cry. Seeing your pregnant "glow" or baby bump makes me want to cry. Hearing your joyful stories of motherhood, 1st birthdays, ultrasounds and morning sickness makes me want to cry. I am not a jealous person, but this eats at the core of me and makes me so green-eyed with envy. And the hardest part? Because I love you, I can't and won't avoid you. You are in my life because I love you. And I want you to be in my life, because I love you. But sometimes it's too much.

It's hard.

It sucks.

I wish it didn't.

But some days are better than others. And I clutch on to hope and faith like it is the only thing that will keep me alive during this time. Because it is. And as long as I have hope, I will be okay.