That long?

I opened up my blog this morning to see how long it has been since I posted anything... 3 1/2 months? Really?

I used to be fairly regular about updating this thing. Hmm... maybe I stopped because I felt people weren't reading... but wait... I started this as more of a therapeutic release... and... of course people aren't reading if I am not writing anything... so... what's the deal then?! Life gets so busy sometimes, I guess.

So here's a snapshot of my busy few months!

We found a new home for our big dog Ella. She was so high energy and with my long hours at work, she wasn't getting the attention she deserved. It was a very hard decision, but we know she is in a better home. Her new "mom" is a teacher and works shorter days. She lives on over an acre of land now, and gets to run around during the day. From what I have been told, she is very happy now. I still miss her, but I don't miss trying to give her a 1-2 mile walk after being away from home for 12 hours at work!

I started a new small group at my church. I love this group of women. We just finished up a Beth Moore bible study on the book of Esther. It was really interesting to fully dive into a bible study by a woman, in a book about a woman, with a group of women in different stages of life. I learned a lot about myself by studying the life of Esther.

Ivan & I also attended a 13 week financial class at our church called Financial Peace University. The goal of this course is to help people become better stewards of their money, reduce debt, and save money. Every week, we watched an hour long DVD of Dave Ramsey (a well known financial advisor) and broke into small groups to discuss the information we learned. There was a lot of homework, but consequently, we learned a lot. In those 13 weeks, Ivan and I reduced our total debt (including car loans) by almost $7,000. We are on a strict budget that can sometimes be very frustrating, but seeing the numbers is worth it!

In October, we had a pumpkin carving party with a great friend of mine, Sara, and her boyfriend. Sara has 2 Chihuahuas also, and they are really good friends with our Nigel & Twiggy. All 4 dogs ran around while we carved, played games, and chatted. Good times all around. I carved a zombie-girl, Ivan carved a "scary face," Sara carved a vampire, and Tim... well, Tim carved Greg Oden. The Blazers player. It was a ton of fun.

(Sara's Vampire, Ivan's Scary Face, my Zombie-girl)

(And Tim's Greg Oden )

November brought colder weather and of course, Thanksgiving. I cooked & ate all day long. Ivan's dad had to work that day, so we had them over for a breakfast... we ate a sausage- potato- egg- cheese casserole, biscuits, juice, and fruit. Once that was cleaned up, I started on our Thanksgiving dinner (I told you all we did was eat!). Since it was just Ivan and I, I roasted a chicken instead of a turkey, but I still made all the sides. ALL of them. Green bean casserole, rolls, stuffing, cranberry sauce, strawberry jello-pretzel salad (sounds gross, but trust me. Its the perfect combo of sweet & salty. Plus it reminds me of home), mashed potatoes & gravy, and of course... pumpkin pie.

(everything looks, well, brown... but trust me, it was super tasty!)

And here we are, at the end of December. December brought even colder weather. Multnomah falls froze over. And we are just at the beginning of winter. This So-Cal girl still isn't used to this kind of weather! December is always a busy month for us. Ivan just turned 38 on the 7th. We spend almost a week in Southern California visiting my family (can I just brag at how cute my niece is?). We also got to spend the day at Disneyland with our great friends Nate & Nikki. The park was practically empty so we got to do every ride more than once. So much fun! Christmas came and went very quickly this year. Ivan and I didn't buy gifts for anyone this year. Instead, we gave that money to a family we knew that was unemployed with 2 small children. Along with a few women from my Bible study, we were able to give this family food, necessities, gifts, and even a gift card for a night out to dinner. I have to say, even though I missed seeing all the shiny wrapped presents under the tree, it was so rewarding to know that we made a difference in someone elses life this year. Plus, we didn't worry about the shopping rush!

There you go. A highlight reel of the past few months. Hopefully I can remember to carve some time out for blogging in the new year! (The year 2010? Really?!)

So unfair...

Dear Neighbor,

Your cooking always smells insanely delicious. Although I have tried, I can not cook Indian food. You are Indian. And cook Indian food. Which is one of my absolute favorites. And you have yet to invite me over for dinner. Or leave leftovers on my porch. And I can smell your delicious Tandoori at all times. We share a wall. Lets share some food.
Just having me smell it constantly is not fair. Not fair at all.
I will bring you Chicken Parmesan if you bring me Chicken Vindaloo with naan.

Sincerely,
Gina

My, how time flies...

3 years ago, I married Ivan Johnson Jr.

In those 3 years, life has been sweet & rough, painful & joyful, but most of all it has been incredibly blessed.

Happy Anniversary Ivan ~ I love you!

TTC sucks.

I am having a rough go at the whole "cheerful positive hopeful" TTC thing this month.

*** SIDENOTE *** For those of you lucky enough to not need to know what TTC means, let me enlighten you ~ TTC means Trying To Conceive. Cute name at first, but after 2 1/2 years of TTC, it is just plain annoying.

*** WARNING *** This blog post is just negative. And slightly graphic. And I am sorry. But its my blog and its helping me process so pthbtttttttttttttttttttttt (sticking tongue out).

Its been 2 1/2 years of Ivan & I trying to conceive a baby. In the scheme of things, its not that long of a time. But in the life of a couple TTC? Its ridiculously long and painful. Let me break it down in some other numbers to put it in perspective.

36 ~ monthly cycles, each ending with the overwhelming disappointment of getting my period.
36 ~ times I have to tearfully tell my husband that no, sorry, this month isn't "the" month.
36 ~ cycles of being extremely cautious of what I eat/drink "just in case," taking a prenatal, and planning your evenings around "doing it" during the right times.
4 ~ medical procedures to test various culprits of infertility.
1 ~ surgery to treat/test yet another culprit of infertility.
3 ~ months of fertility drugs that cause mood swings, hot flashes, cramps and swelling.
2 ~ "I really thought I was this time" devastating moments.
14 ~ friends/family/coworkers pregnant.
9 ~ months of being supportive and happy for each of those 14 friends/family/coworkers when most days, the depression and jealousy tears you up inside to even see them... then the guilt sets in for feeling jealous/depressed at all during their joyful time.
Countless ~ times I have heard "just relax and it will happen" or "try xyz - it worked for someone I know" or "maybe its not in God's plan for you to have kids."
Countless ~ tears and "suck it up and keep going" moments.
1 ~ diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."

Infertility causes something very strange to happen in "personal" conversations. People you barely know will ask you questions about sexual positions & frequency, lube, sperm count, cervical mucus, hormonal balances and countless other topics. I wouldn't normally talk about vaginal acidity with most people (doctor and best friends aside), so I kind of wonder what makes them think that all of a sudden they feel its okay. A word of advice to people who know someone ttc? Sometimes just being there and trying to be understanding is more than enough.

I apologize in advance to my friends who are pregnant or recently had kids. Its very hard for me. Baby showers make me want to cry. Seeing your pregnant "glow" or baby bump makes me want to cry. Hearing your joyful stories of motherhood, 1st birthdays, ultrasounds and morning sickness makes me want to cry. I am not a jealous person, but this eats at the core of me and makes me so green-eyed with envy. And the hardest part? Because I love you, I can't and won't avoid you. You are in my life because I love you. And I want you to be in my life, because I love you. But sometimes it's too much.

It's hard.

It sucks.

I wish it didn't.

But some days are better than others. And I clutch on to hope and faith like it is the only thing that will keep me alive during this time. Because it is. And as long as I have hope, I will be okay.

You're Blessed...

I was reading a blog I follow, and the blogger was reflecting on what Jesus said at the Sermon on the Mount. He was referring to how Jesus likes it when we are simple and honest. To illustrate his point, he referenced The Message Bible. I rarely read The Message translation because I feel like sometimes it "dumbs down" (for lack of a better phrase) the Bible. But I decided to read Matthew in the Message anyway... and I am so glad I did.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his Rule."
~ Matthew 5:3 (Msg.)

Wow. Stopped me in my tracks. What a simple and powerful way to put it!

You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. Not out of luck. Not hopeless. Blessed. Jesus doesn't say you won't be in pain, or that you won't feel lost and scared. He doesn't deny the fact that sometimes you will be out of options, and its gonna get hard. What he promises is that you will be blessed despite the difficulty. Why? Simply because when you give up control, it gives God room to work in your life.

I needed this. I really really needed this. Leave it to Jesus to be the eternal optimist. Since I am definitely nearing the end of my rope, I decided to read on.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."
~ Matthew 5:4-12 (Msg.)

Can I get an Amen?!?

So... um... yeah...

I was at Trader Joes after work yesterday... walking up and down the aisles, looking at all the fun stuff, smelling the produce... and listening to the music played overhead. As I was poking through the rice selection, I heard a cute catchy happy song. I knew I had heard it before but couldn't for the life of me say who it was that sang it. Kind of Jason Mraz-ish, but a little more pop. I kept finding myself bouncing to the beat a little bit... then completely froze in my tracks as I realized who it was.



Yup. Jonas Brothers.

So... um... yeah... Awesome.

Kelly Deanne Huddleston

So much has happened in the past few months.

For anyone who doesn't know, Ivan's sister Kelly has been battling lung cancer since the end of 2008. After a stretch of chemo & radiation, she had part of her lung removed in February. The cancer seemed to be gone. Things took a quick turn for the worse in the past few months. The cancer came back very aggressively and Kelly got pneumonia. She was hospitalized with problems breathing and fluid in her lungs. The cancer spread quickly throughout her body and the doctors told her there was no more they could do. Within a day of that sad news, Kelly passed away, surrounded by her family.

Kelly is survived by her husband (Darren), 3 sons (Jacob, Jared & Corey), parents (Ivan Sr. & Georgia, 2 brothers & sis-in-laws on the Johnson side (Ivan Jr. & me, Jeremiah & Kathy), and a host of loved ones on the Huddleston side. That doesn't even include the cousins, aunts, nieces & nephews, and many loved ones who adored Kelly.

Kelly constantly praised the Lord, singing almost non-stop. She was a wonderful mother, wife, friend, and (most recently to me, although known to Ivan & Jeremiah from birth) a true blessing as a sister. Jesus was her heart and she left this world with a peaceful understanding that she was on to bigger, better things.

I love and miss Kelly so much already. She touched my life in ways I can not begin to explain. I am sorry for the time we should have spent together but never did. She is an inspiration to me, and truly the example of love that Christ wants us to be.

Gina's Kitchen ~ New Blog!

For a while now, I have said that I want to be this generation's Punk-Rock Martha Stewart. For anyone that knows me, this isn't too far of a stretch. I can give you tips on getting stains out of your carpet while whipping up a delicious antipasti platter, which I have paired with a complimentary Pinot Noir... all in heels and a skirt! Okay, mainly its jeans and Converse, but whatever... you get the idea.

Today I started a new blog in that very spirit. Its called Ginas Kitchen. The main idea behind the blog is to get people to "think outside the recipe box."

Check out my new blog & let me know what you think!

http://ginamarieskitchen.blogspot.com/

Dreaming

Dream interpretation has always been interesting to me. The past few weeks, I have been having insanely vivid dreams that often jolt me awake. That is an obvious sign that there is something in my life I need to address.

Last night, I had a dream of visiting a friend I recently reconnected with. While at the airport waiting for my flight home, 2 planes crashed into the walkway to the terminal... the second right after the first had been cleaned up. The crashes weren't too terrible (just enough to scrape up the front of the plane and rip off part of the metal) and happened while the planes were already landed and just taxi-ing up to the terminal. After the crashes, I looked at my itenerary to make sure my plane was not one of the ones that crashed. It wasn't, but I did realize that my flight was supposed to leave 12 hours or so ago. When I went to the gate to talk to a rep, they told me there was nothing they could do for me, and I would have to wait at the airport until further notice. Then I woke up in a sweat and felt stressed out! I couldnt shake the feeling for an hour or so.

In trying to interpret this dream, I came across a few key ideas...

Airplane:
To dream that you miss your connection flight, indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life - work, relationship or home life.
To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.
To dream that you miss your connection flight, indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life - work, relationship or home life.

Airport:
To see an airport in your dream, symbolizes birth (arrivals) and death (departures). If the airport is busy, then it signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off. You may be experiencing a new relationship, new career path or new adventure.

Traveling:
To dream that you are traveling, represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, it signifies a desire to escape. If your travels come to an end, then it symbolizes successful completion of your goals.

So.... to conclude... I guess that I am feeling stuck on my path toward goals in my life? Hmm... That would make sense on many levels. Weight loss, unsatisfaction in my career path, etc. Interesting stuff!

Check out Dream Moods and see if your dreams match up to their interpretations. I would love to hear if its accurate for you too!

What a month!

January is over and what a month it was!

Ivan's surgery went really well and he is now in "recovery mode." His incision was about 4-5 inches long. Last Friday, he had a follow up appointment and the staples (yes, STAPLES) were removed. Ivan is healing really well and has been doing more with every day that goes by. He still has to wear his brace 24/7, with the exception of showering, and can not bend his knee.

I have been trying to get back on track with my fitness goals. It's harder since I started a new 4 day work week. It's extremely difficult to squeeze in a workout when you are up by 4:30am and don't get home until almost 6:30pm... then have dogs, dinner, housework, and a husband to deal with (not necessarily in that order!). As is, I barely get 6 hours of sleep. But because of my inability to work out M-Thur, I have forced myself to get to the gym on my 3 days off. And when I go, I am SERIOUS about it. I am on the treadmill for an hour, and usually lift weights too.

I hate it for the first 20 minutes, but once I push past the negative thinking (I'm so tired! My legs are sore! I shouldn't be working out when Ivan is home with a bum leg!), the rest is cake. Well, not cake, but much more enjoyable. I love how strong and capable I feel when I am done with my workout. It's a great feeling to have acheived a concrete goal... for example, over 600 calories burned, or lifting 5 more pounds than I could last week.

If only I could figure out a way to get a few more hours in the day... I know that if I had 1 or 2 more workouts a week, this whole "losing weight" thing would be much quicker!

Ouch! Part 2...

Yesterday, Ivan had a follow-up appointment and xrays to determine the full extent of his knee injury, as well as a course of treatment. Unfortunately, its not as simple as we had hoped.

Ivan tore his Patella Tendon (which holds your kneecap in place and allows your leg to bend) pretty badly. His kneecap is "free floating" in his leg... around his lower thigh. Crazy! He needs surgery to repair the tear, which is scheduled for the morning of Monday the 19th. Basically, the surgeon will make a vertical incision over his knee, suture the torn tendon back together... through drilled holes in his kneecap... so it heals properly. He is looking at 6 weeks in a brace, then he can start physical therapy. We are praying that he gains full mobility relatively quickly, even though the doctor said it might take 6 months to a year.

This is Ivan's first surgery (at age 37, thats quite impressive) so he is a little nervous about it. We have complete and utter faith that God is watching over us, and he will be fine.

Ouch!

Ivan hurt his knee yesterday. Long story short, he fell while running on a wet track. He thinks that the kneecap disclocated and then "popped" back in place. Ouch! After a trip to the ER, the doctor determined that Ivan's knee and leg did not have any breaks (thank God!) but wants him to follow up with an MRI on Wednesday to determine if there is any damage to the tendons. We are definitely praying that he doesn't have significant damage. ACL surgery and the like are NOT fun.

In the meantime, my poor husband has to wear a knee brace. And use crutches. And take it easy and stay off his leg as much as possible. And take vicodin. And be waited on by his ever-loving wife. :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

Ivan & I rung in the new year in style... by snoring the night away! I have had a cold for a few days now, and after a few glasses of wine and some nyquil, I was out cold by 10pm. What party animals we are! :)

I can not believe that its already 2009. 2008 was a crazy-busy year, full of happy and sad times.... 12 months that went by so unbelievably quickly, especially the last month. In December, we celebrated Ivans birthday, Christmas, my birthday, and had a trip to San Diego to visit my family and a few friends. Plus, we had a killer snowstorm that had us waiting out the weather in the comfort of our homes (with 3 stir crazy puppies!). We bought a new car too. What a crazy few weeks!

This year, we vacationed in Las Vegas, the Caribbean, Southern California, and the Oregon coast. We played hard, but worked harder. Ivan got a new job, and I started a new schedule with longer days. We have had new additions to the family (my brother's first born child), and health scares (Ivan's sister is battling lung cancer). We had 3 car accidents in a 5 month period, but were blessed enough to come out the other side with just a few bruises. We have lost some weight and gained some back. Ivan & I have struggled with the emotional turmoil that goes along with trying to conceive with no luck. We have been affected by the economy, but have been blessed to keep our jobs. We as Amercians historically ushered in the first black president elect. Friends have moved out of state, and Ivan & I have been carefully weighing the pros and cons of our desire to move as well. Overall, 2008 was a rollercoaster of emotions and situations. Needless to say, we are really looking forward to 2009.
There is something promising about the fresh start of a new year.

I hope that 2009 promises to be a good one for you and your loved ones. May God bless you over the next 12 months, and always.