My, how time flies...

3 years ago, I married Ivan Johnson Jr.

In those 3 years, life has been sweet & rough, painful & joyful, but most of all it has been incredibly blessed.

Happy Anniversary Ivan ~ I love you!

TTC sucks.

I am having a rough go at the whole "cheerful positive hopeful" TTC thing this month.

*** SIDENOTE *** For those of you lucky enough to not need to know what TTC means, let me enlighten you ~ TTC means Trying To Conceive. Cute name at first, but after 2 1/2 years of TTC, it is just plain annoying.

*** WARNING *** This blog post is just negative. And slightly graphic. And I am sorry. But its my blog and its helping me process so pthbtttttttttttttttttttttt (sticking tongue out).

Its been 2 1/2 years of Ivan & I trying to conceive a baby. In the scheme of things, its not that long of a time. But in the life of a couple TTC? Its ridiculously long and painful. Let me break it down in some other numbers to put it in perspective.

36 ~ monthly cycles, each ending with the overwhelming disappointment of getting my period.
36 ~ times I have to tearfully tell my husband that no, sorry, this month isn't "the" month.
36 ~ cycles of being extremely cautious of what I eat/drink "just in case," taking a prenatal, and planning your evenings around "doing it" during the right times.
4 ~ medical procedures to test various culprits of infertility.
1 ~ surgery to treat/test yet another culprit of infertility.
3 ~ months of fertility drugs that cause mood swings, hot flashes, cramps and swelling.
2 ~ "I really thought I was this time" devastating moments.
14 ~ friends/family/coworkers pregnant.
9 ~ months of being supportive and happy for each of those 14 friends/family/coworkers when most days, the depression and jealousy tears you up inside to even see them... then the guilt sets in for feeling jealous/depressed at all during their joyful time.
Countless ~ times I have heard "just relax and it will happen" or "try xyz - it worked for someone I know" or "maybe its not in God's plan for you to have kids."
Countless ~ tears and "suck it up and keep going" moments.
1 ~ diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."

Infertility causes something very strange to happen in "personal" conversations. People you barely know will ask you questions about sexual positions & frequency, lube, sperm count, cervical mucus, hormonal balances and countless other topics. I wouldn't normally talk about vaginal acidity with most people (doctor and best friends aside), so I kind of wonder what makes them think that all of a sudden they feel its okay. A word of advice to people who know someone ttc? Sometimes just being there and trying to be understanding is more than enough.

I apologize in advance to my friends who are pregnant or recently had kids. Its very hard for me. Baby showers make me want to cry. Seeing your pregnant "glow" or baby bump makes me want to cry. Hearing your joyful stories of motherhood, 1st birthdays, ultrasounds and morning sickness makes me want to cry. I am not a jealous person, but this eats at the core of me and makes me so green-eyed with envy. And the hardest part? Because I love you, I can't and won't avoid you. You are in my life because I love you. And I want you to be in my life, because I love you. But sometimes it's too much.

It's hard.

It sucks.

I wish it didn't.

But some days are better than others. And I clutch on to hope and faith like it is the only thing that will keep me alive during this time. Because it is. And as long as I have hope, I will be okay.

You're Blessed...

I was reading a blog I follow, and the blogger was reflecting on what Jesus said at the Sermon on the Mount. He was referring to how Jesus likes it when we are simple and honest. To illustrate his point, he referenced The Message Bible. I rarely read The Message translation because I feel like sometimes it "dumbs down" (for lack of a better phrase) the Bible. But I decided to read Matthew in the Message anyway... and I am so glad I did.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his Rule."
~ Matthew 5:3 (Msg.)

Wow. Stopped me in my tracks. What a simple and powerful way to put it!

You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. Not out of luck. Not hopeless. Blessed. Jesus doesn't say you won't be in pain, or that you won't feel lost and scared. He doesn't deny the fact that sometimes you will be out of options, and its gonna get hard. What he promises is that you will be blessed despite the difficulty. Why? Simply because when you give up control, it gives God room to work in your life.

I needed this. I really really needed this. Leave it to Jesus to be the eternal optimist. Since I am definitely nearing the end of my rope, I decided to read on.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."
~ Matthew 5:4-12 (Msg.)

Can I get an Amen?!?

So... um... yeah...

I was at Trader Joes after work yesterday... walking up and down the aisles, looking at all the fun stuff, smelling the produce... and listening to the music played overhead. As I was poking through the rice selection, I heard a cute catchy happy song. I knew I had heard it before but couldn't for the life of me say who it was that sang it. Kind of Jason Mraz-ish, but a little more pop. I kept finding myself bouncing to the beat a little bit... then completely froze in my tracks as I realized who it was.



Yup. Jonas Brothers.

So... um... yeah... Awesome.