My Life is... Out of my control

I love Oingo Boingo. Danny Elfman is a musical genius, in my humble opinion. Even if you don't know who he is, you know his work. From the music of Nightmare Before Christmas and The Simpsons to the super-hit Weird Science (that everyone knows!). But most people don't realize how inspiring or comforting some of his music can be.

I have been struggling for a while with trying to get pregnant (I will get back to Oingo Boingo eventually). There are so many people who try to "help" by giving me positive thoughts... "it will all work out for the best"... "I am sure that this time next year, you will have a happy healthy baby"... "I went through this too, and I came out on the other side. Now my daughter is 7"... and so on and so on. I appreciate all their kind words and thoughts. I love that people care enough about me to even attempt the sometimes great burden of being compassionate.

That being said, sometimes all you want is someone to say to you "that sucks." And leave it at that. It doesn't mean that you don't want them to care and be positive. Its just that sometimes, you want to be comforted with the idea that its okay to feel negative about the situation. By so many people telling you that you should be positive about the future, when all you want is to give up, is frustrating sometimes...

I feel like a failure for not being able to "look on the bright side."
I feel like my body has failed me for not being able to do one of the most basic things that God created women to do.
I feel like I am letting my husband down.
I feel like if other people have "been through this too" and "come out the other side" with children, that I should be able to as well.
I feel like sometimes people are afraid to tell me that they see my struggle with getting pregnant as it is - IT SUCKS.

So, back to Oingo Boingo. There is a song called Out Of Control that I have been listening to over and over on my ipod. Basically, this song puts how I have been feeling into words. I absolutely love that Danny Elfman basically says "I know you've heard it all before, so I am just going to sit with you and be with you while you are feeling spent and sorry for yourself." How cool is that?! The last line even says "I wish I could tell you that it's all a bad dream but I can't." Wow. I love that. There is comfort in someone being honest and flat out telling you "I don't know if things are going to get better. Life sucks sometimes. And I will be here for you."

In a way, it can be interpreted as God singing this song to His children (Okay, I realize that comparing God to Danny Elfman's music is a stretch, but hear me out). God and my husband are the only 2 people I feel that I don't have to be strong around. I can be honest and weak at their feet, or laid in their laps. And they will tell me "Things do suck right now. I can't tell you that it will change, but I can tell you that you aren't going to give up. I won't let you." What a gift to be able to have someone just be with you when you are in such a place. Or when you are lacking control.

I realize that this blog is WAY longer than any other I have posted, but it has been cathartic. Please do me a favor, and look up this song... listen to it. I hope you will be able to understand how I feel. If you can't listen, please just read the lyrics. I hope that it gives someone else comfort. YES, sometimes life sucks. And I wish I could tell you that it will change. But I can't. However, I will be here to tell you it's okay to feel that way, and I will be here if you need an emotional resting place. Me, God, & Danny Elfman are on your side ;-D



OUT OF CONTROL

Everyone says sooner or later you'll reach the end of the line.
When things get rough some think its easy to jump the ship.
You decide...

I say--don't throw it away
Theres about a million reasons why
Though you've heard them all before
And you're getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and I'll sing you this lullaby

Don't you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
You're out of control yeah--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream

Theres a cloud-rollin overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
Theres a black sun--casting a black shadow,
And I know you feel so all alone
You're out of control--and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go

Nothin for nothin--everythings right at your fingertips--for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say--don't throw it away, you've got too many things to say
If you throw away your life, if you throw away your life . . .
The world will never be the same

You're out of control--and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
You're out of control--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, it'll only be a dream

My life is.... a Journey

Journey (n) : an act or instance of traveling from one place to another.

I love the word "Journey." By its very definition, you can't be on a journey unless you are actively moving. It is something you DO, not something that happens to you. It is a promise that you are on your way to something new, and hopefully better.

I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that for a while now, I have been getting lazy. By that, I mean that I have developed a bad habit of letting life happen to me, without giving myself much of a say in it. That is so far from "traveling from one place to another." I think the excuse I have been using was that "if God wants it to happen, it will happen." I still agree with this wholeheartedly! But I also believe that we can get in God's way of trying to fulfill His divine will in our lives. That's what makes my journey so tricky…

There are many aspects of my life right now that are "traveling from one place to another." I am starting to get more clarity on where I need to move on certain sticky subjects that I have been avoiding. For a long time, whenever I prayed about them, the answer I got was "wait." Not getting pregnant? "Wait." Don’t like your job? "Wait." Can’t get motivated to get in shape? "Wait." So I stopped everything, sat down, and waited. And waited. And waited. And nothing happened. Well, it was obvious I missed the mark. So I prayed about it again and I got some serious clarity. God was telling me to wait, not to stop. When He said "wait," He wanted me to be patient because good things were coming, not that I wouldn't have to work for them.

Now, I am realizing that I can shape my journey and still be "right with God's Will." Yes, God carved the path of my life's journeys, but I will never get to the end of them if I sit still and wait for the finish line to come to me.