That long?

I opened up my blog this morning to see how long it has been since I posted anything... 3 1/2 months? Really?

I used to be fairly regular about updating this thing. Hmm... maybe I stopped because I felt people weren't reading... but wait... I started this as more of a therapeutic release... and... of course people aren't reading if I am not writing anything... so... what's the deal then?! Life gets so busy sometimes, I guess.

So here's a snapshot of my busy few months!

We found a new home for our big dog Ella. She was so high energy and with my long hours at work, she wasn't getting the attention she deserved. It was a very hard decision, but we know she is in a better home. Her new "mom" is a teacher and works shorter days. She lives on over an acre of land now, and gets to run around during the day. From what I have been told, she is very happy now. I still miss her, but I don't miss trying to give her a 1-2 mile walk after being away from home for 12 hours at work!

I started a new small group at my church. I love this group of women. We just finished up a Beth Moore bible study on the book of Esther. It was really interesting to fully dive into a bible study by a woman, in a book about a woman, with a group of women in different stages of life. I learned a lot about myself by studying the life of Esther.

Ivan & I also attended a 13 week financial class at our church called Financial Peace University. The goal of this course is to help people become better stewards of their money, reduce debt, and save money. Every week, we watched an hour long DVD of Dave Ramsey (a well known financial advisor) and broke into small groups to discuss the information we learned. There was a lot of homework, but consequently, we learned a lot. In those 13 weeks, Ivan and I reduced our total debt (including car loans) by almost $7,000. We are on a strict budget that can sometimes be very frustrating, but seeing the numbers is worth it!

In October, we had a pumpkin carving party with a great friend of mine, Sara, and her boyfriend. Sara has 2 Chihuahuas also, and they are really good friends with our Nigel & Twiggy. All 4 dogs ran around while we carved, played games, and chatted. Good times all around. I carved a zombie-girl, Ivan carved a "scary face," Sara carved a vampire, and Tim... well, Tim carved Greg Oden. The Blazers player. It was a ton of fun.

(Sara's Vampire, Ivan's Scary Face, my Zombie-girl)

(And Tim's Greg Oden )

November brought colder weather and of course, Thanksgiving. I cooked & ate all day long. Ivan's dad had to work that day, so we had them over for a breakfast... we ate a sausage- potato- egg- cheese casserole, biscuits, juice, and fruit. Once that was cleaned up, I started on our Thanksgiving dinner (I told you all we did was eat!). Since it was just Ivan and I, I roasted a chicken instead of a turkey, but I still made all the sides. ALL of them. Green bean casserole, rolls, stuffing, cranberry sauce, strawberry jello-pretzel salad (sounds gross, but trust me. Its the perfect combo of sweet & salty. Plus it reminds me of home), mashed potatoes & gravy, and of course... pumpkin pie.

(everything looks, well, brown... but trust me, it was super tasty!)

And here we are, at the end of December. December brought even colder weather. Multnomah falls froze over. And we are just at the beginning of winter. This So-Cal girl still isn't used to this kind of weather! December is always a busy month for us. Ivan just turned 38 on the 7th. We spend almost a week in Southern California visiting my family (can I just brag at how cute my niece is?). We also got to spend the day at Disneyland with our great friends Nate & Nikki. The park was practically empty so we got to do every ride more than once. So much fun! Christmas came and went very quickly this year. Ivan and I didn't buy gifts for anyone this year. Instead, we gave that money to a family we knew that was unemployed with 2 small children. Along with a few women from my Bible study, we were able to give this family food, necessities, gifts, and even a gift card for a night out to dinner. I have to say, even though I missed seeing all the shiny wrapped presents under the tree, it was so rewarding to know that we made a difference in someone elses life this year. Plus, we didn't worry about the shopping rush!

There you go. A highlight reel of the past few months. Hopefully I can remember to carve some time out for blogging in the new year! (The year 2010? Really?!)

You're Blessed...

I was reading a blog I follow, and the blogger was reflecting on what Jesus said at the Sermon on the Mount. He was referring to how Jesus likes it when we are simple and honest. To illustrate his point, he referenced The Message Bible. I rarely read The Message translation because I feel like sometimes it "dumbs down" (for lack of a better phrase) the Bible. But I decided to read Matthew in the Message anyway... and I am so glad I did.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his Rule."
~ Matthew 5:3 (Msg.)

Wow. Stopped me in my tracks. What a simple and powerful way to put it!

You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. Not out of luck. Not hopeless. Blessed. Jesus doesn't say you won't be in pain, or that you won't feel lost and scared. He doesn't deny the fact that sometimes you will be out of options, and its gonna get hard. What he promises is that you will be blessed despite the difficulty. Why? Simply because when you give up control, it gives God room to work in your life.

I needed this. I really really needed this. Leave it to Jesus to be the eternal optimist. Since I am definitely nearing the end of my rope, I decided to read on.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."
~ Matthew 5:4-12 (Msg.)

Can I get an Amen?!?

To the pumpkins in my patch!

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.

God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff... including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.

Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see.

This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

Happy Fall!

Women Of Faith - Infinite Grace

This weekend, my friend Sarah & I went to the Women of Faith conference. The theme this year was "Infinite Grace." It was so great to hang out with Sarah (as always!), especially in a setting like this one. I really liked hearing the speakers talk about their lives. It was really cool for me to see how every one of them could speak about the raw pain that they have been through in their lives... and even find humor in it now (Yes, Christians can be funny too... lol).

There was a booth there for WorldVision, an organization that (among many other things) helps AIDS/HIV ravaged countries. Their goal was to get as many children "sponsored" as possible. God was really pulling on my heart to do something, so I decided to ask Ivan if we could sponsor a child from Uganda. He said no... so the next day, I did it anyways. :) Okay, seriously though, I called Ivan the 2nd day of the conference from the WorldVision table, practically in tears because I felt so strongly that we needed to help one of these children. I asked him AGAIN if we could make room in our already tight budget to help a child. One of the things I love about my husband, is that when he knows something is important to me, he will usually let my heart guide our decisions. That being said... we now are sponsoring a beautiful 5 year old girl from Uganda named Fiona. 87% of the money we give goes directly to the child and her family. That's a really high percentage compared to some other child sponsorship programs. (find out more at the World Vision website)

It was a great weekend & I am looking forward to going again next year!

Determination

"Okay God, I get it. No seriously. I GET it. You don't need to rub it in, I know that I am lacking in determination, motivation, persistence, and stick-to-it-iveness... but does every church service have to remind me of it? I guess you've got my attention, so I am listening... What next? Love you - Gina"

That's been my dialogue with God the past few weeks. It seems like everything is pointing me to my own poor attitude. I have been struggling with wanting to give up lately. But Jesus doesn't want me to. This weeks sermon at East Hill was about Determination. A few weeks ago, it was about Persistence. Each week, the worship songs could be the playlist to my life. I went to the movie "Fireproof" this weekend... guess what its about? A marriage on the rocks, where the husband refuses to give up on it. And the only way he can, is by listening to God. Are you catching the drift here? I know I did!

I have a newfound feeling of determination. And it feels good to be spiritually refreshed.

My Life is... Out of my control

I love Oingo Boingo. Danny Elfman is a musical genius, in my humble opinion. Even if you don't know who he is, you know his work. From the music of Nightmare Before Christmas and The Simpsons to the super-hit Weird Science (that everyone knows!). But most people don't realize how inspiring or comforting some of his music can be.

I have been struggling for a while with trying to get pregnant (I will get back to Oingo Boingo eventually). There are so many people who try to "help" by giving me positive thoughts... "it will all work out for the best"... "I am sure that this time next year, you will have a happy healthy baby"... "I went through this too, and I came out on the other side. Now my daughter is 7"... and so on and so on. I appreciate all their kind words and thoughts. I love that people care enough about me to even attempt the sometimes great burden of being compassionate.

That being said, sometimes all you want is someone to say to you "that sucks." And leave it at that. It doesn't mean that you don't want them to care and be positive. Its just that sometimes, you want to be comforted with the idea that its okay to feel negative about the situation. By so many people telling you that you should be positive about the future, when all you want is to give up, is frustrating sometimes...

I feel like a failure for not being able to "look on the bright side."
I feel like my body has failed me for not being able to do one of the most basic things that God created women to do.
I feel like I am letting my husband down.
I feel like if other people have "been through this too" and "come out the other side" with children, that I should be able to as well.
I feel like sometimes people are afraid to tell me that they see my struggle with getting pregnant as it is - IT SUCKS.

So, back to Oingo Boingo. There is a song called Out Of Control that I have been listening to over and over on my ipod. Basically, this song puts how I have been feeling into words. I absolutely love that Danny Elfman basically says "I know you've heard it all before, so I am just going to sit with you and be with you while you are feeling spent and sorry for yourself." How cool is that?! The last line even says "I wish I could tell you that it's all a bad dream but I can't." Wow. I love that. There is comfort in someone being honest and flat out telling you "I don't know if things are going to get better. Life sucks sometimes. And I will be here for you."

In a way, it can be interpreted as God singing this song to His children (Okay, I realize that comparing God to Danny Elfman's music is a stretch, but hear me out). God and my husband are the only 2 people I feel that I don't have to be strong around. I can be honest and weak at their feet, or laid in their laps. And they will tell me "Things do suck right now. I can't tell you that it will change, but I can tell you that you aren't going to give up. I won't let you." What a gift to be able to have someone just be with you when you are in such a place. Or when you are lacking control.

I realize that this blog is WAY longer than any other I have posted, but it has been cathartic. Please do me a favor, and look up this song... listen to it. I hope you will be able to understand how I feel. If you can't listen, please just read the lyrics. I hope that it gives someone else comfort. YES, sometimes life sucks. And I wish I could tell you that it will change. But I can't. However, I will be here to tell you it's okay to feel that way, and I will be here if you need an emotional resting place. Me, God, & Danny Elfman are on your side ;-D



OUT OF CONTROL

Everyone says sooner or later you'll reach the end of the line.
When things get rough some think its easy to jump the ship.
You decide...

I say--don't throw it away
Theres about a million reasons why
Though you've heard them all before
And you're getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and I'll sing you this lullaby

Don't you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
You're out of control yeah--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream

Theres a cloud-rollin overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
Theres a black sun--casting a black shadow,
And I know you feel so all alone
You're out of control--and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go

Nothin for nothin--everythings right at your fingertips--for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say--don't throw it away, you've got too many things to say
If you throw away your life, if you throw away your life . . .
The world will never be the same

You're out of control--and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
You're out of control--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, it'll only be a dream

My Life is... Complicated

I am going through a spiritual conflict right now. One of my greatest desires in life is to be Christ-like whenever I can. This in principle, means putting others first... sacrificing & giving... and above all, loving with your entire existence.

Normally, I am very good at this. I will bend over backwards at any given time to help strangers and friends alike. But sometimes by doing that, it has been at my expense. The times I have extended my friendship over and over to women who were quick to judge or would not reciprocate my open heart. The times I have given gifts to brighten someones day, even though it means I can't afford to get that massage I have always wanted but never spoiled myself with. The times I have used every hour of vacation time, and every dollar of credit limit to visit my family, who has only been able to come to Oregon once since I have lived here.

So where do you draw the line? What should you do when supporting someone else might not be the healthiest thing for you? In the words of Joyce Meyer, "Loving others does not come easily or without personal sacrifice. Each time we choose to love someone, it will cost us something - time, money, or effort. That's why we are told to count the cost before we make the commitment." How true this is! Maybe I don't evaluate the cost before committing. Or maybe, I evaluate the cost, and it still seems a low price to pay for someone elses well-being. More often than not, I am willing to sacrifice all that I have. But there are times when I just dont know that I have anything left to sacrifice... no time, money or effort left to pay the "cost" of my commitment.

Is it selfish to choose your own needs over the needs of someone else? Yes - I believe it is. But can you be selfish and still Christ-like? I haven't figured that one out yet...

My life is.... a Journey

Journey (n) : an act or instance of traveling from one place to another.

I love the word "Journey." By its very definition, you can't be on a journey unless you are actively moving. It is something you DO, not something that happens to you. It is a promise that you are on your way to something new, and hopefully better.

I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that for a while now, I have been getting lazy. By that, I mean that I have developed a bad habit of letting life happen to me, without giving myself much of a say in it. That is so far from "traveling from one place to another." I think the excuse I have been using was that "if God wants it to happen, it will happen." I still agree with this wholeheartedly! But I also believe that we can get in God's way of trying to fulfill His divine will in our lives. That's what makes my journey so tricky…

There are many aspects of my life right now that are "traveling from one place to another." I am starting to get more clarity on where I need to move on certain sticky subjects that I have been avoiding. For a long time, whenever I prayed about them, the answer I got was "wait." Not getting pregnant? "Wait." Don’t like your job? "Wait." Can’t get motivated to get in shape? "Wait." So I stopped everything, sat down, and waited. And waited. And waited. And nothing happened. Well, it was obvious I missed the mark. So I prayed about it again and I got some serious clarity. God was telling me to wait, not to stop. When He said "wait," He wanted me to be patient because good things were coming, not that I wouldn't have to work for them.

Now, I am realizing that I can shape my journey and still be "right with God's Will." Yes, God carved the path of my life's journeys, but I will never get to the end of them if I sit still and wait for the finish line to come to me.